Christmas 2015

I know I haven’t blogged in a very long time. In a nutshell: we packed our things and after 2.5 years for me and the kiddo (nearly 3 for Brian) we moved back to Missouri in August. We are happier. The way of life here is slower and we have a house on land to live in and take care of.

Now for the reason of the post… Lots of times I can’t say exactly what I want to on social media. I have to walk a tightrope sometimes with what I do say. I tend to let go here. Christmas is rough. It has been since the first Christmas 10 years ago when I was allowed to go to my family’s house and celebrate. It was the first Christmas after I let my mom have Charity move in with her. After that, I didn’t get invited. Not until 5 years ago. That was the first Christmas I was able to wake up with my daughter under the same roof as me.

I know some people are wondering what the big deal is. It might not be a big deal to you, but it is to me. I missed too many Christmases with my daughter. It still hurts me that I was powerless over the situation for 5 years. She is the only kiddo I have or will have and I cherish the holidays I do get. There really may not be too many more that she wants to truly spend with me,  cause let’s face it.. She is getting older and hates me sometimes.

I guess what I am saying is that this year is a double edged sword. I am truly happy to be with family this year again after the last couple just being our little family of “us” but I have to work Christmas eve. That part sucks. However, Charity picked out a funny holiday shirt for me to wear and she has the same one to wear so we can be “twinkies”.

Happy Holidays, y’all.


Grey’s Anatomy

Wow. This season has been a roller coaster. I have missed quite a bit of it due to work. I knew that watching it would be had due to April’s pregnancy complications and the fact that Arizona is now a fellow for someone who operates on babies still in the womb. It’s tough as a loss mama.

However, I am more able to handle this now than I was a 2 years ago or even a year ago. I am not healed. I will never stop missing our babies. I just handle it better.

My job helps in some ways. I have my dream job, maybe not at my dream location, but I am doing something I truly love. It has its rough moments. I get sad by my job and have even had a panic attack. Thankfully, even though my coworkers don’t know me very well, there is one who has at least been helpful.

How do you cope? Complete avoidance? That never worked for me.


I seem to have had lots of it and none of it was spent blogging. Yup. I am a slacker blogger. Deal with it, or don’t.

I have actually been pretty busy. We have furniture in our home, Charity’s room is done (for now), I have rehung pictures, made some crafts (some are finished, some I am still working on), and I found a job. Whoa, its a lot. Also, Charity is back in school and Brian opened a restaurant. Oh, and, we have a new addition to our family (no, I wasn’t secretly pregnant!).

There is more to come and I can’t wait to share with you how we are working with the odd layouts of our rooms, how we are changing things up and more of our plans for other rooms! Stick around, soon I will have stuff updated.


Charity is 11!!

Charity turned 11 last month, on the 25th. She happened to be in Missouri for her birthday and her grandma took her and some cousins and friends to White Water in Branson, MO.

The weekend after, grandma and grandpa (my in-laws) threw her a party at their house. This is the 3rd year in a row she has had a birthday party there. They have a pool and the space to do it there, so it makes it fun for the kids. She also gets spoiled rotten by family up there.

She finally came back after spending 5 weeks away. She left a 10 year old and came back an 11 year old.

Brian has been working nonstop, 7 days a week for the last few weeks. I had to drive up to Oklahoma to meet my in-laws on my own. When we came back, instead of driving straight home, I took her to Brian’s new restaurant, a place she had never been as they were in the construction phase when she left.

Brian surprised us with food. I wasn’t very hungry after having a large lunch and Charity is a bottomless it these days. Plus, I made a cake and had it stashed in the cooler in the kitchen.

I missed the look on her face when she first saw the cake. Brian says it was a look of awe. I was busy singing her happy birthday. She had requested Mama Jean’s (Brian’s mom) chocolate sheet cake. I kicked it up and challenged myself. I made it into a 2 layer cake with buttercream frosting. (Something I hadn’t done in almost 5 years..unless you count the not so pretty cake I made 3 years ago for her birthday).


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ignorance is bliss?

July can be an amazing month. It really is. Our anniversary is in that month. My birthday, Brian’s birthday, Charity’s birthday. It is happy. It is also sad. It’s the month that I found out I was pregnant with my second child, a baby we lost not even after knowing I was pregnant for a short time. Four years ago, July was amazing. Now, it holds painful memories and happiness at the same time.

I was blissfully ignorant with my pregnancy with Charity. Had I known it was to be my only take home baby, I might’ve done more. Nobody was exactly thrilled that I was pregnant at 18. I have one picture of me actually showing off my tiny baby bump, it was taken early on. Nobody wanted to rub my belly or feel her kicks. I didn’t even realize what a miracle she would be until many years later.

I am sad I missed out. I never got what I really wanted when she was born, too many people wanted to be involved in such a private moment. I needed that more when I lost the babies, years later. My ultrasounds weren’t filled with the wonderment my later pregnancies held. Or the devastation.I wanted her, I just never thought to document the beauty of my pregnancy with her, it was a difficult time. I wish I knew that she would be my only. I would’ve documented more.

Don’t take it for granted

Last year, I had the luxury of being in a completely different state when Brian opened the steakhouse. I was here shortly after and am now remembering the long hours of that. This year, he is opening another restaurant/bar and I am here for all of it. He is working his tail off and has been putting in some really long hours and days. We are lucky in the respect that sometimes, they didn’t need him and he was able to come home early. Of course, before it opened, he was also able to take days off.

Now that the soft opening is out of the way and the grand opening is coming up (Friday), the days are long and the loneliness of being a chef’s wife is a constant state. This is also made even more so with other factors, like having one car, not really knowing anyone from here, Charity being out of state, not having a job, etc. This is all just been amplified. It sucks. We are fighting more and getting more defensive than usual. It’s normal. We love each other, I have never doubted that, just the long hours can wear on a couple. I can tell that I am not alone in this feeling because Brian has been extra exhausted these last few days. It is a part of being a chef’s wife, I know.

I honestly cannot wait for things to calm down at work for him. I need my husband back, not just the exhausted shell of a man that I married. The one who loves our life and not the one who gets irritated that the dogs want pets when he first walks in the door. They haven’t changed, his hours have and they crave more attention now than they did when he works normal hours.

If you are seeing your spouse more than I am, give them an extra hug because I would love to be able to do that with my own spouse. Don’t take it for granted.