July can be an amazing month. It really is. Our anniversary is in that month. My birthday, Brian’s birthday, Charity’s birthday. It is happy. It is also sad. It’s the month that I found out I was pregnant with my second child, a baby we lost not even after knowing I was pregnant for a short time. Four years ago, July was amazing. Now, it holds painful memories and happiness at the same time.
I was blissfully ignorant with my pregnancy with Charity. Had I known it was to be my only take home baby, I might’ve done more. Nobody was exactly thrilled that I was pregnant at 18. I have one picture of me actually showing off my tiny baby bump, it was taken early on. Nobody wanted to rub my belly or feel her kicks. I didn’t even realize what a miracle she would be until many years later.
I am sad I missed out. I never got what I really wanted when she was born, too many people wanted to be involved in such a private moment. I needed that more when I lost the babies, years later. My ultrasounds weren’t filled with the wonderment my later pregnancies held. Or the devastation.I wanted her, I just never thought to document the beauty of my pregnancy with her, it was a difficult time. I wish I knew that she would be my only. I would’ve documented more.