ignorance is bliss?

July can be an amazing month. It really is. Our anniversary is in that month. My birthday, Brian’s birthday, Charity’s birthday. It is happy. It is also sad. It’s the month that I found out I was pregnant with my second child, a baby we lost not even after knowing I was pregnant for a short time. Four years ago, July was amazing. Now, it holds painful memories and happiness at the same time.

I was blissfully ignorant with my pregnancy with Charity. Had I known it was to be my only take home baby, I might’ve done more. Nobody was exactly thrilled that I was pregnant at 18. I have one picture of me actually showing off my tiny baby bump, it was taken early on. Nobody wanted to rub my belly or feel her kicks. I didn’t even realize what a miracle she would be until many years later.

I am sad I missed out. I never got what I really wanted when she was born, too many people wanted to be involved in such a private moment. I needed that more when I lost the babies, years later. My ultrasounds weren’t filled with the wonderment my later pregnancies held. Or the devastation.I wanted her, I just never thought to document the beauty of my pregnancy with her, it was a difficult time. I wish I knew that she would be my only. I would’ve documented more.

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Randomness

Hello, again! I am anxiously awaiting my upgrade from my android. Anyone have KitKat yet? Mmmm KitKats.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch apartment, we are chugging along, made a plan for furniture, with a real budget in mind. I really need to share a master list of everything we want to do in our home and a list of furniture. Another day, I suppose.

The new car is great, we are saving some major cash, just not seeing it coming yet as we have had to do more paying out for taxes, title, and license. It will come! We owe roughly 3 more payments on Brian’s car and it is paid off! It will be awesome!

Spring is here, and so are allergies. They have been kicking my ass. Thankfully, I have a regime that usually works and I don’t have to switch it too much. It is usually a matter of remembering to take everything before it gets painful (my sinuses get clogged by my eyes and can be super painful) and remembering to buy it when I run out!

Work has been busy, I have barely had time for much, we had a walk (where important people come see the store) so that was very hectic. I am glad it is over! I worked a lot of hours and only had one day off. We all did. Thank god it is over!

So, not tons going on, mostly life. What is new with you?

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No, this is real life

Wow! I am amazed anyone even checks my blog anymore. I am so exhausted at this point. Let me give you a run down of what has been going on:
-I got a new job! I am now a baker at a grocery store. I am still getting the hang of it and the super early mornings (4am!!), but I love it. There is a calm in the mornings that just isn’t there in such a large metroplex. I love it. I also make more money (over a dollar more an hour!) So that is so nice. It has been a huge adjustment, I was only working on average 25 hours and now work more like 35. It is an adjustment for the whole house. However, my one week paycheck is almost a 2 week paycheck at my last job!
-I got a new car! We got rid of the gas guzzling truck (a 2002 Dodge 1500 v8 extended cab) for a more fuel efficient vehicle. Like a 2004 Ford Taurus SE. It works so much better as a family car than the tiny escort (2 door) and has better gas mileage (right now, 17.4). The two car payments are just $100 more than the truck payment alone. So, we are saving $150/month plus the gas money (I am too tired to do the math but it was something over $100/month). Huge savings and Charity doesn’t have to climb into the backseat just to run errands.
-Brian is working 7 days a week again. His cook quit unexpectedly while he was out of town for business. This means on top of my new job, I am taking care of dinners, after school stuff, dog walking, and laundry every night rather than just 5 nights.
-Brian went out of town suddenly for work. It was research. He ate a lot of barbeque. It meant that Lucky was confused and I had a hard time sleeping. There was also bad weather on his way back. Not good.
-A bunch of stuff for Brian to be really busy:
    *Fat Tuesday in a restaurant
    *A new menu roll out
    *Another beer dinner (that turned out great!)
    *St Patrick’s Day (at a restaurant/bar)

What is new with you? I can’t wait for Wednesday! I will have 2 days off in a row. We also have looked and researched and measured things for the house, so hopefully after not too long, we can finally get this decorating show on the road!

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Remember 2013

**just a warning, read this alone, there is some touchy stuff in here**

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Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. The truth is, people don’t talk about loss. A lot of times, it is dismissed and made to feel insignificant. For me, it isn’t.

I have mentioned a couple of times that I have miscarried twice. I think of my babies often and will never forget them. I know they are in heaven with their Grandma Jean and our puppy that died, Midnight. I know that even though they couldn’t be here with us, they are with us always.

I don’t go into too much detail of our losses often anymore, it is still painful and I choose to greive quietly. Not today.

Both of our losses happened in our first year of marriage. The first, we found out we were expecting 2 weeks after our wedding. We were elated. It was to be my first pregnancy with my husband by my side and his first born. We told his family, not even thinking of the horror that was coming. From the first time I saw that second line, it was a baby, no matter what was going on inside my womb. I came out of the bathroom and told Brian that I thought we needed more groceries because I was going to be hungry.

Less than a month later, it was the hottest day of the year and our aur conditioning was broken. I called to try and get someone to fix it. No dice. Brian had to call a friend to get him to come fix it. By that time, I was dehydrated despite trying to drink water. We headed to the ER. That is where we found out that dehydration might not be my only problem.

It was a series of ultrasounds and blood work. Blighted ovum was the diagnosis. I miscarried a little over a week after being treated for dehydration. I stayed home and had a natural miscarriage. It was the most painful thing, both physically and emotionally. Brian stayed by my side the entire day, thankfully, it was his day off.

I know that a blighted ovum there was no baby, but for us, there was, to us. It was a baby as soon as the test was positive. We had a feeling it would’ve have been a girl, we named her Angelique Marie.

Months later, we found out again we were expecting. This time, we made it to an ultrasound. There was a baby in there! It was spring and we always referred to the growing being as “Sprout”. We heard the heartbeat and we were on cloud 9 showing off our pictures of our little Sprout.

Less than a week later, I started spotting. We were devastated, but hopeful. We went to the ER, they claimed to see the heartbeat on their antique ultrasound machine. We were, ok. But I had a feeling of something being off.

A few days later, I went back to my doctor for a follow up. I had a friend with me and the tech was quiet. I looked at her screen intently, looking for the heartbeat that I knew deep down wasn’t there. My intuition was correct. I could barely call Brian at work to tell him the news. I was numb with tears just flowing. My sobs wracking my body. I don’t remember the ride home.

I was scheduled for a D&C later that day. Brian met us at home and my friend stayed with us and him while I had my surgery. I stayed numb for days.

I took 6 weeks off from work, the maximum I was allowed. I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t function as a wife or parent to Charity. The months that followed losing Sprout were some of my darkest. I was finally treated for PPD. How could I have that when my baby died? It wasn’t fair. During my 6 weeks off, I found a new job. I had worked at the same job for over a year and had both of my losses while working there. I had lost my passion for baking completely with my losses. Also, our car was stolen. Way to kick me when I am down, eh?

My losses were 9 months and 1 day apart. We kept Sprout’s name and gave him a middle name, Ryker. His name and Angelique’s were part of a memorial service a few months later that the hospital put on for all of the lost babies. I couldn’t bring myself to go to it, it was too painful.

I am the face of loss. I am 1 in 4, twice. I will be lighting candles for my babies tonight and saying a prayer for all the angel babies, the ones talked about and the ones kept quiet. Will you join me?

Thwarted Efforts

We moved! The unfortunate part of it all is that we have really bad service at our new place so phone calls get dropped constantly and Internet access is very limited. Boo! I know if we get regular internet, we can access it with our phones and even make phone calls over Wi-Fi. It is just going to have to wait for a bit. Bear with me.

We have so much space here, I can fill my pantry with healthy foods, less processed stuff and our fridge with fruits and vegetables. We started trying to cook more with fresh stuff and even more from scratch recently and Brian and I love it. Charity, not so much.

See, I know how to cook and have plenty of recipes to feed us from scratch for years to come. We do buy an occasional frozen pizza, but I prefer making my own with homemade sauce. It is a convenient solution when I need something quick and easy. Not the homemade part, but the frozen pizzas.

So, here is where my efforts are being thwarted, Charity wants the processed crap. Yes,  I am her mom and I make the food choices. I get that. Except, she refuses to eat if it is something “she doesn’t like”. I can’t have her not eating, so, I am trying an experiment. We are. I bought chicken nuggets for the first time in over a year and a half. And tater tots. I am trying to compromise. I am trying to show her that homemade is better. I think maybe after a few weeks, I will give her homemade chicken nuggets. Show her that homemade can taste better than processed foods.

I hope it works and I can go back to making homemade soon. I can’t eat processed food all the time!

Money Mondays!

Welcome to the newest feature addition to The Offal Truth and Other Musings. Money Mondays!! Who doesn’t like to save money? If you don’t, you probably have money to throw my way, so get on that, ok?

Money Mondays

Each week, I will feature ONE way that I try to save us money. Ok, its a joint effort here at our house and I really try harder. Sorry, Brian, you slack in this department! This week, our cell phone bill gets the inspection.

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