Remember 2013

**just a warning, read this alone, there is some touchy stuff in here**

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Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. The truth is, people don’t talk about loss. A lot of times, it is dismissed and made to feel insignificant. For me, it isn’t.

I have mentioned a couple of times that I have miscarried twice. I think of my babies often and will never forget them. I know they are in heaven with their Grandma Jean and our puppy that died, Midnight. I know that even though they couldn’t be here with us, they are with us always.

I don’t go into too much detail of our losses often anymore, it is still painful and I choose to greive quietly. Not today.

Both of our losses happened in our first year of marriage. The first, we found out we were expecting 2 weeks after our wedding. We were elated. It was to be my first pregnancy with my husband by my side and his first born. We told his family, not even thinking of the horror that was coming. From the first time I saw that second line, it was a baby, no matter what was going on inside my womb. I came out of the bathroom and told Brian that I thought we needed more groceries because I was going to be hungry.

Less than a month later, it was the hottest day of the year and our aur conditioning was broken. I called to try and get someone to fix it. No dice. Brian had to call a friend to get him to come fix it. By that time, I was dehydrated despite trying to drink water. We headed to the ER. That is where we found out that dehydration might not be my only problem.

It was a series of ultrasounds and blood work. Blighted ovum was the diagnosis. I miscarried a little over a week after being treated for dehydration. I stayed home and had a natural miscarriage. It was the most painful thing, both physically and emotionally. Brian stayed by my side the entire day, thankfully, it was his day off.

I know that a blighted ovum there was no baby, but for us, there was, to us. It was a baby as soon as the test was positive. We had a feeling it would’ve have been a girl, we named her Angelique Marie.

Months later, we found out again we were expecting. This time, we made it to an ultrasound. There was a baby in there! It was spring and we always referred to the growing being as “Sprout”. We heard the heartbeat and we were on cloud 9 showing off our pictures of our little Sprout.

Less than a week later, I started spotting. We were devastated, but hopeful. We went to the ER, they claimed to see the heartbeat on their antique ultrasound machine. We were, ok. But I had a feeling of something being off.

A few days later, I went back to my doctor for a follow up. I had a friend with me and the tech was quiet. I looked at her screen intently, looking for the heartbeat that I knew deep down wasn’t there. My intuition was correct. I could barely call Brian at work to tell him the news. I was numb with tears just flowing. My sobs wracking my body. I don’t remember the ride home.

I was scheduled for a D&C later that day. Brian met us at home and my friend stayed with us and him while I had my surgery. I stayed numb for days.

I took 6 weeks off from work, the maximum I was allowed. I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t function as a wife or parent to Charity. The months that followed losing Sprout were some of my darkest. I was finally treated for PPD. How could I have that when my baby died? It wasn’t fair. During my 6 weeks off, I found a new job. I had worked at the same job for over a year and had both of my losses while working there. I had lost my passion for baking completely with my losses. Also, our car was stolen. Way to kick me when I am down, eh?

My losses were 9 months and 1 day apart. We kept Sprout’s name and gave him a middle name, Ryker. His name and Angelique’s were part of a memorial service a few months later that the hospital put on for all of the lost babies. I couldn’t bring myself to go to it, it was too painful.

I am the face of loss. I am 1 in 4, twice. I will be lighting candles for my babies tonight and saying a prayer for all the angel babies, the ones talked about and the ones kept quiet. Will you join me?

DIY Chore Chart

Today, I have a craft for you! B and I decided not to put up some of our pictures on the wall but rather than store the frames, I decided to repurpose them.

We have been having a difficult time with C doing her chores, we are at the ugly tween stage and I feel like I am nagging her. She probably feels the same way! So, little kid chore charts aren’t the way to go. I decided to make an erasable one. All I needed was:

-large frame (I bought mine at Walmart ages ago for less than $10)
-patterned paper (I used a printed piece of thin cardboard from a hello kitty kit C got for her birthday, but scrapbook paper would work)
-tape (I could only find our packing tape,  go figure)
-poster letters (my cricut is still packed, but I got the letters at Dollar Tree, so $1)
-dry erase markers (again, Dollar Tree, $1)

This is pretty self explanatory, and the pictures help. I used a black frame and lighter colors for the background so the black was really noticeable. I wrote her chores, but I think I will include special things too. Like maybe when she has karate. I made sure to post it where we would all see it. The lightswitch below it is actually to get room and is at the bottom of the stairs.

Hopefully, this will be a reminder to her to do her chores more often. And yes, I know shower is not a chore, but it seems like a chore to get her to take one!

XOXO
Jes

I hate making plans…

B, C, and I were supposed to go back to ikea tomorrow, but B got pulled into a catering event. I hate when this happens. I would love to say this doesn’t happen often, but it does. Usually it’s with gifts. It’s April now and I still have never gotten anything for valentine’s day from B.

Oh well, I guess I will get over it, eventually.

Thrifting it up!

Well, today, my husband may kill me. I spent $100 on clothes for C and I. Honestly, I would say it could’ve been worse. C got 8 tops and 5 bottoms. 2 of the tops were things she can use to dress up other things. Thankfully, I was able to pick out and take out a lot of the things inappropriate for a girl her age. Unfortunately, I was only able to find 3 tops and 2 bottoms. It’s difficult for me to find things in my style and size.
Here in Texas, there is something I have never seen, it’s not exactly a thrift store, but a plus size consignment shop. They have some beautiful things. I tried on lots of clothes today, just sometimes they fit weird on me.

I think this day was a success, C is set for the summer, she said so herself and I walked away with some clothes. I usually feel really defeated after a day like today, but I had my little girl by my side. She even told me a big fat no on one cute shirt, it made me look terrible. At least she is giving an honest opinion, even if it’s the Offal Truth.

Also, we got tons of name brands, a Candies top, stuff from matrices, all for a lot cheaper, don’t be afraid of the thrift stores. Just dig a little and wear comfy shoes.