There Should Be a Tax Deduction for that…

My manager at work joked the other day that my husband should get a tax deduction for being married to me.

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Remember 2013

**just a warning, read this alone, there is some touchy stuff in here**

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Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. The truth is, people don’t talk about loss. A lot of times, it is dismissed and made to feel insignificant. For me, it isn’t.

I have mentioned a couple of times that I have miscarried twice. I think of my babies often and will never forget them. I know they are in heaven with their Grandma Jean and our puppy that died, Midnight. I know that even though they couldn’t be here with us, they are with us always.

I don’t go into too much detail of our losses often anymore, it is still painful and I choose to greive quietly. Not today.

Both of our losses happened in our first year of marriage. The first, we found out we were expecting 2 weeks after our wedding. We were elated. It was to be my first pregnancy with my husband by my side and his first born. We told his family, not even thinking of the horror that was coming. From the first time I saw that second line, it was a baby, no matter what was going on inside my womb. I came out of the bathroom and told Brian that I thought we needed more groceries because I was going to be hungry.

Less than a month later, it was the hottest day of the year and our aur conditioning was broken. I called to try and get someone to fix it. No dice. Brian had to call a friend to get him to come fix it. By that time, I was dehydrated despite trying to drink water. We headed to the ER. That is where we found out that dehydration might not be my only problem.

It was a series of ultrasounds and blood work. Blighted ovum was the diagnosis. I miscarried a little over a week after being treated for dehydration. I stayed home and had a natural miscarriage. It was the most painful thing, both physically and emotionally. Brian stayed by my side the entire day, thankfully, it was his day off.

I know that a blighted ovum there was no baby, but for us, there was, to us. It was a baby as soon as the test was positive. We had a feeling it would’ve have been a girl, we named her Angelique Marie.

Months later, we found out again we were expecting. This time, we made it to an ultrasound. There was a baby in there! It was spring and we always referred to the growing being as “Sprout”. We heard the heartbeat and we were on cloud 9 showing off our pictures of our little Sprout.

Less than a week later, I started spotting. We were devastated, but hopeful. We went to the ER, they claimed to see the heartbeat on their antique ultrasound machine. We were, ok. But I had a feeling of something being off.

A few days later, I went back to my doctor for a follow up. I had a friend with me and the tech was quiet. I looked at her screen intently, looking for the heartbeat that I knew deep down wasn’t there. My intuition was correct. I could barely call Brian at work to tell him the news. I was numb with tears just flowing. My sobs wracking my body. I don’t remember the ride home.

I was scheduled for a D&C later that day. Brian met us at home and my friend stayed with us and him while I had my surgery. I stayed numb for days.

I took 6 weeks off from work, the maximum I was allowed. I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t function as a wife or parent to Charity. The months that followed losing Sprout were some of my darkest. I was finally treated for PPD. How could I have that when my baby died? It wasn’t fair. During my 6 weeks off, I found a new job. I had worked at the same job for over a year and had both of my losses while working there. I had lost my passion for baking completely with my losses. Also, our car was stolen. Way to kick me when I am down, eh?

My losses were 9 months and 1 day apart. We kept Sprout’s name and gave him a middle name, Ryker. His name and Angelique’s were part of a memorial service a few months later that the hospital put on for all of the lost babies. I couldn’t bring myself to go to it, it was too painful.

I am the face of loss. I am 1 in 4, twice. I will be lighting candles for my babies tonight and saying a prayer for all the angel babies, the ones talked about and the ones kept quiet. Will you join me?

Bad week…

I am going to blow this out of proportion. That was your warning.

This week just sucks. I am still bummed we didn’t get the duplex. I am more mad that the guy’s mom told him to leave the tenants there. They have 5 dogs. Yea…

Brian and I got into a fight on Sunday. That’s all the info you get on that. We are fine. Just so you know.

I was reminded, yet again, that Charity’s sperm donor is still a deadbeat. No, I won’t go into details, just trust me on that.

I still haven’t gotten my hair cut. Supposedly going to happen tonight. Nobody hold their breath, ok? I don’t need a bunch of my blog readers passed out. Thanks. If it doesn’t happen, I will still be bummed.

I haven’t gotten used to the heat and I am feeling like crap. Seriously. It’s cooler this week than it was last week or the week before yet I am feeling crappy.

Then, there is Saturday. It’s the 3 year anniversary of when we had our first loss. So, that alone and the fact that I feel like crap, its probably why I am really not having a good week, rest is probably just blown out of proportion. Sorry.

xoxo jes

Four Years!

Holy crap! Today it was 4 years ago that B and I became an official couple. A little hard to believe. So much has happened in that time!

-I lost my job as a server at the restaurant we met at.
-I started going to school again. (later I quit due to time and money)
-B took a year off from being a chef.
-We moved, 4 times. 3 different states and 4 different cities.
-We lost a cat, a dog, 2 fish, and 2 babies.
-We also have had 2 dogs, 2 fish, and 4 cats (not all at once!).
-We have been to 7 different states (Nebraska, Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Texas).
-We have been to 2 different Omahas. One in Nebraska and one in Arkansas.
-We got married!

I think that is all I can think of right now. Kinda crazy that all had happened!

XOXO
Jes

Busy busy!

I think I am finally getting the hang of this stay at home mom thing! Maybe. I am totally exhausted tonight. I feel like maybe a marathon was run today!

So, maybe I didn’t accomplish all I wanted to on mother’s day, but I got a few others done. I am always talking about how I am lacking space in our home. I am nowhere near finished with my kitchen, but I think it’s finally getting there! I may even post a few pictures coming up. Crazy!

I will say this: I think we own a lot of clothes. I did one load today, cooked supper (homemade spaghetti!), took C to karate, paid a few bills, got a few things at the store, picked up C, made iced tea for B, took him a chef jacket, walked the dog (a few times), made homemade fruit snacks, did dishes… Are you tired? Yup, I am! Also, I had to get C off to school this morning and Lucky wanted a walk at 3am. Wtf. Oh, I also organized our low counter.

Tomorrow, another load of laundry (I hope). More dishes, more walks, school for C, dinner… And I am hoping that I can organize more of my kitchen. My pantry is a mess! I love the Out of Milk app, but after grocery shopping a few times, my pantry is seriously out of date.

What I really wanted to do yesterday… I still need to do. I was going to hang pictures, organize my pantry, take stuff to storage, take the couch to get fixed… None of it happened. It’s all because of our electricity getting randomly shut off. Seriously! Oh well, tomorrow is another day! Let’s just hope B remembers to take out the trash!

XOXO
Jes

And a random cute pic of Lucky…